I am a PK. My father is a pastor and my mother is also saved and involved in church ministry. My parents are and always have been people of integrity. I enjoyed the privilege of growing up in a saved household. We played together, ate together, read the Bible together. It would seem that this upbringing would save me from some things that some other people would have to encounter whom I might have considered less fortunate than me. But this was not the case.
My parents insisted that I and all of my siblings receive musical training. So I played every Sunday at our church. I didn’t necessarily hate the playing, I just hated that I had to. I think it would have been easier if I had had a choice in the matter, but that wasn’t the case either. One day in service there were several people who came to the Lord and I remember the Pastor asking where I was and when I raised my hand, he looked around and waited in the service until he found me. From the pulpit, he then said, The Lord said to tell you that if you will submit yourself to Him, He will do things with your hands beyond what you can imagine. So after a pulling on my heart, I accepted Christ in my life that day. Under the direction of my father, who is also my Pastor, we composed a small group of people and started a Youth Choir. The choir started with eight people and quickly grew to about 30. The choir was filled with young people who loved the Lord and just enjoyed ministering through song. I was in the 11th grade about this time.
As time passed, I began to experience some things I’d never experienced before. I began to wrestle with depression. Now I believe that almost everyone, if not everyone, has been depressed at one time or another. But this is not really what I’m talking about. I think being depressed is a feeling. The state of depression is a place. If I tried to explain to you verbally for the next three hours what my life was like during that time, there is no way I could touch the tip of the iceberg. More than anything else in the world, I wanted to die. This was my desire. I wanted to die. I remember getting on my knees to pray at night to God and I would tell Him, “All of my life, I’ve been taught about You, heard about You, learned about You. I’ve learned about Your love, Your grace, and how much You care about me. If these things are true, if You really care about me the way You say You care about me, You’ll let me die in my sleep tonight.” When I would wake up the next morning and realize I was still alive, I would curse God and openly question His feelings about me. This went on for a period of about 6 years. I was always scared to commit suicide because I was scared I would go to hell. I would pray crazy things. I would pray, “Lord, I know I don’t deserve heaven, but if you would just let me end my life and not go to hell” as if that was an option.
On my 23rd birthday, I went to Galveston to die. I’d never been a drinker but I knew that alcoholism in my family was a stronghold. So I figured this time that I would just go and drink enough to not have to deal with what I was feeling. I already knew that I was going off the I-45 Bridge. Because I was not a drinker, I did not really know that much about alcohol. I decided that I was going to get this big concoction of drinks and drink a mixture of this and just get myself drunk to the point where it would not matter anymore. So I went and bought a mixture of alcohols (which included a bottle of Thunderbird, a case of wine coolers, and beer). I drank them all that night¦.. and did not even have a buzz! I was angrier with God all the more! At that time I’d checked into a hotel for two days. I was so angry, I just left after the first day and went back home thinking, “This is pathetic! I can’t even die right!” I resigned from my musician appointment at the church and I’d planned to stop attending. But the first Sunday after my resignation, I responded to an altar call in the service. I understood and felt the peace of God that I’d not felt in years. The Lord told me in that service that that would be the last time I ever dealt with depression – and it was. The 14th-16th verses of the 145th chapter of Psalms tells us, “The Lord upholdeth all that fall, and raiseth up all those that be bowed down. The eyes of all wait upon thee; and thou givest them their meat in due season. Thou openest thine hand, and satisfiest the desire of every living thing.” God delivered me THAT DAY! I have not dealt with depression or suicidal thoughts since THAT DAY!
I worked as a Mental Health Technician on a Psychiatric Unit during this time. In the ensuing weeks, I was able to minister to people a lot more effectively as a result of what God had allowed me to go through. I understood then what God was doing with me and the awesome power that my testimony would carry.
Years later, I received a Word about going back to school. My pastor told me that it was time for me to go back to school and that if I would walk to doors that were closed in front of me, that God would open them when I got there. I followed that instruction, and with the exception of one semester, God provided the money for me to finish school. I completed my undergraduate degree from the College of Biblical Studies in May 2010. I graduate Summa Cum Laude with a Bachelor of Science Degree in Biblical Counseling.
In experience, I am far removed from that place in my life, but I will never forget. It was at that place that songs were born. It was during this time that I got to know who God was and the plan He’d established for my life. This was the roughest time of my life. But I thank God for it. For out of these times, were born written expressions of the inner man that speak exclusively to the Creator. When your inner man is speechless, this cd will speak for him. I hope you are Blessed by the fruits of this struggle.
Please know that God always hears your “Heart Cries”